localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2017-09-08 07:38 pm

"How much further do I have to go? And how much longer till I finally know? "

It’s been a pretty hard week for numerous reasons, but mostly focussed around those two joint difficulties: Stress and Worry. I am a worrier. I have always been a worrier. I worry. So when there are things to worry about at home (the house a mess, a to-do-list longer than my arm, haven’t booked a holiday, dog not well, family disputes and spats, worrying about family members who aren’t getting in touch) and things to worry about at work (big projects, much pressure massive deadlines, university term starts soon, to do list longer than my arm, going on leave soon, need to prepare) and in my social life (promised to meet up but can’t commit to a date, on stage in under a week’s time, haven’t got all the flipping props yet) it all kind of buries me under it all and I get headaches, my sinus problems get me down, and I generally end up eating too many biscuits and not getting enough sleep because I am staying up late reading fanfiction on my phone (which also doesn’t help the headaches).

This morning though, I somehow managed the first seven hours sleep I’ve had in a while and when I woke up I started singing Hoobastank’s Crawling in the Dark. I mean, loudly, without thinking about who might be listening. It is a song I head as a teenager (on a Kerrang CD that I still own) and really liked- so much so I did the thing hovering over the pause button to write down the lyrics (ah, those pre-google, pre-broadband days…) and I think how often I forget what a rush you can get from singing, the way just opening your lungs and going for it helps levels out any moods. It is a terrific, wonderful stress relief but one which often deserts my brain when I most need it- in a way that readingfanfictionallthroughthenightohgod never does (also books but books have an ending wheras there is always more fic to be had- even if it isn’t very good!)

So I sang Crawling in the Dark and then Jack off Jill’s Vivica and felt much better. I also realised that I come across new songs and learn songs just for fun much more rarely than I used to- most songs I learn now tend to be ones for shows that I’ve been told to learn- and because of the type of music my group normally does they’ll never ask me to learn something I enjoy like Green Day, JoJ, The Regrettes and so on. The exception for me lately has really only been Against Me! ‘s True Trans Soul Rebel and Trans Dysphoria Blues.

I haven’t been writing for fun or for anything but for work in ages, apart from the odd letter. I haven’t been drawing for fun (I am a terrible artist but once upon a time I didn’t let that stop me in private). I haven’t often listened to music I like just for the pleasure of it or sang to an invisible audience safe in the knowledge that no one is watching or cares if I forget a word or my voice cracks.

I need to find ways to allow myself to enjoy these things again, and thus cope with all the stress and worry.

The only problem? There already doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day as it is.
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2017-04-17 08:13 pm

HP Fic: All of us, mourners

Been working on this one for a while and after a weekend sobbing pitifully over a uni assignment, I promised myself once I'd read the last 22 papers I would finish it up and post it.

Title: All of us, mourners
Fandom: Harry Potter
Ship: Gen
Summary: AU in which Petunia and Lily's parents are still alive when Lily and James are killed.

In the wake of her sister's death, Petunia comes to realise that while families are never as perfect or fair as they should be, that doesn't mean you can't mourn together.

click here to read under the cut )

or click here to read at Ao3
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2017-03-28 04:56 pm

Biting these old lips

I've got a few days off (OMG YAY) which I think is good because I suspect my mental health has been a lot worse than I've been aware of lately. I don't mean that in a poor poor baby me kind of way it's just I have been mega stressed with uni and rehearsals and stuff, which I am aware of, but even post-Hamlet when I no longer had that to worry about people I know just kept randomly asking if I was okay, was I sleeping, was I feeling okay and I ...mostly thought I was...I mean, still stressed (essay deadlines, work etc) but mostly just still really tired all the time. Anyway I've got a few days to sleep and recharge a bit. I finished my essay off at the weekend and submitted it, and am just about up to date on my e-lectures so that's feeling pretty good overall.

My Auntie I and the dog are away on holiday so on Saturday we took Nanny into town and did the shopping, before a very productive library session which resulted in all of us hauling a tote-bag full of books each away. :) I've already read one 'You Know Me So Well' by Nina LaCour and David Levithan which I really liked.

Today we went to Wales (slightly horrendous as the road I needed to use was closed so I had to handle a badly-signed diversion and a very scenic route back over a very terrifying bridge over the Dee) and I watched today's lecture live when I finally got the tech issues sorted and got in.

...and I was going to write more but I need to go eat something before I go out to singing. TTFN
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2017-03-14 09:41 am

I would give you some violets but they withered all when my father died


I have gone to my watery death clutching my bundle of sad twigs and weeds for the last time.

It's actually incredibly hard to post a coherent narrative about putting on a show. How on earth can one person put the hours of sweat and tears and laughter and terror into a few lines and link them all together? Perhaps there can only ever be summaries.

I think I probably explained in a previous post why after a pretty successful first night our subsequent run had to be postponed due to our Hamlet's injuries. He lost his looks for the performance, but will be having reconstructive surgery at the end of the month and didn't need serious rhinoplasty as the bone was okay so that's something. He of course gave an excellent performance the past few nights.

I really enjoyed myself. There is a magic in theatre that I don't think can every really be verbalised or quantified. It goes something like:

a script
a group of people
a show

it's been true for me since I first thundered heavily onto the wooden staging as the grumpy innkeeper in a comedic retelling of the nativity story, age eight (I can still remember one kid, Joanne, who was one of the wise men, her eyes enormous in her head as I hollered like the king lion in Bedknobs and Broomsticks "ROUND THE BACK" in her face. She got her revenge a few years later, playing the vicious lawyer for the prosecution as I, as Toad of Toad Hall, cowered in the dock). Even in high school with a class full of drug addicts, stoners and bullies the same format works when the Magic comes. Suddenly the world is a different place,people who hate you suddenly behave as friends -for the length of the show at least everyone works in a kind of harmony for the bigger picture.

Of course there were some hairy moments in the run as a whole, a handful of dropped lines here and there, different every night but these were minor and really to be expected. A play as long as Hamlet (even with our necessary edits) is like a human organism, born newly each night with different flaws and wrinkles within the same overall shape.

I'm satisfied. I met my cues. I got my lines. If I can no longer successfully cry on cue I hope I managed to give enough of an impression of Ophelia's grief and confusion without that.

Next year: The Crucible

I'm going to go from timid and heartbroken flower to vengeful and seductive psychopath. MWAHAHAHA I can't wait!
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2017-02-04 08:55 pm


I haven't posted anything about the show yet because I have a true actor's paranoia about talking about how a show went before the run is up and our run is not yet up. After opening night, during the second night our Hamlet fainted and was injured in the fall, being taken ill. He is okay and on the mend but we had to postpone the run and until either we get a new date or here anything else I will post more.

It's very odd because we would have otherwise been starting the next plans now and are caught between the two.

Uni work starts up again- alas, alack! Though I had a lovely day today visiting still_lycoris so I had a delightful day off from study- so guess what I'm doing tomorrow AHAHAHA
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2017-01-22 11:44 am

Liverpool Stands With American Women (or, how I spent my Saturday standing up for my convictions)

Well the Local Lurgy continues - Mum has got it, Nanny has got it, it continues to linger mostly quietly-but-painfully in my tonsils which is copeable provided it DOES NOT GO ANYWHERE ELSE OR GET ANY WORSE. Seriously. Curtain up on Thursday for our three-day theatre run of Hamlet and I do not need to be sicker for that.

Yesterday I went to Liverpool to participate in the Liverpool Stands With American Women march and kind of spammed my social media about it. I actually know the organiser, who spoke on Radio 4 yesterday(!). I've just been re-watching the speeches I recorded and I really am so glad I went. I hadn't been sure I'd be able to get there in time. People came for many reasons- many of the speakers touched on their own causes and local concerns- the effects of Brexit on women's rights in the workplace and employment, the possible closure of the local Women's hospital, issues about Local Authority cuts outsourcing rape and emergency services to bad-rep companies like G4S, but ultimately their reasons were the same as mine. I went because I have friends in America, and they are scared right now. There are people young and old who are scared for what this regime means for themselves and their loved ones, who are scared at what this symbolises- an erosion of human rights and human safety and of bigots, triumphantly feeling they have the right to victimise, assault and hurt others and The Law- or at least The President- would back them up, is on their side. I went because I wanted to stand there so that all of those people can see that they have friends in other countries- in their own country- and all over the world and we want to help them, we want to be there for them and we want them to know THEY ARE NOT ALONE.

We have of late experienced some of that fear, on a smaller scale, when Brexit and the Farages and UKIP twats of this world won the vote- creating a climate of fear and racism and bigotry on a scale that I have never before seen in my real life. A friend of mine tells me when she goes out running her parents now warn her "be careful, don't go out in the dark, there are immigrants around" - never mind THE WHOLE TOWN has always been 'full of immigrants'- it was formed, not even that long ago, for and with migrant workers from Ireland, Poland, Greece... *sigh*

I hope that anyone who saw our march understood that. I hope that anyone seeing the tweets, particularly those who were too scared to march or their communities to unsafe for them to do so, saw an embrace the whole world was offering. It is sympathy. It is empathy. It is resistance and- I hope- it is hope.
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2017-01-07 09:02 pm

Follow your...dreams?

We passed Wilko's today, selling signs for your house "Follow your dreams, they know where they're going."

Mum commented that I'd better not or I'd end up in The Other Place.

Last night I dreamt that Mum, Nan and I broke in (but we had a key) to St R's, which has been shut to us for a couple of years now. Inside there was my Auntie and several people from our old church- Mr G, and Busy Mary who, I noticed, had hair that looked a brilliant white- much brighter white than she wore it (and this is the creepy part) when she was alive.

So the benches are all there and Mrs H and other church regulars are creeping around amidst the muck and dust picking up the brasses and folding up all the cloths and I commented on how awful it was "Oh yes," Busy Mary said "and the cats have got in."

My Auntie I and I went up to the sacristy. Unlike the real sacristy, there was a trap door in the ceiling with a narrow ladder, I was to climb the ladder and as I did there was a shift and the skylight above me rained down Black Dust. Then a black and white cat appeared at the bottom of the ladder and started talking to me. I told it (as firmly as I dared) to go away and leave me alone and it made a swipe for my legs and tormented me a bit longer as I tried to get down off the ladder. I left the sacristy and went back- to find the church was filled with all our dogs. All of the. I could see my Auntie M somewhere around but along with Fern and Snoopy and Amber and Daisy Mae I saw Baby Jack, Auntie M's wolfhound who I loved dearly because he liked nothing more than being cuddled and I made my way through the excited dogs to him and stroked behind his soft ears while he leaned all over me while the others milled around and played.

Things became a bit disjointed then and there were some horrible things like realising I had to pick up this horrible poo and the muck everywhere but...all but Snoopy and Otto out of all the dogs are also long dead. And when I realised they might be ghosts, and Mary was dead too, I woke up.

So yes, Don't Follow Your Dreams if they're anything like mine. (As Mum pointed out, that talking cat definitely came from The Other Place). Admittedly I am also running a high temperature and everything hurts which has definitely made my dreams more vivid and bizarre than usual.

I also have two papers that I need to have written by Monday night - at least fully second drafted and just needing tweaking- in order to meet my deadlines without stressing about the show as rehearsals are hotting up. Though apparently my Nan informed people that the show was tonight not the 26-28th which is a bit annoying- did she think she was getting out of it?!? >:( Rest assured I will be treading the boards in (oh god) 19 days time not before (panics, cries, excited, oh god)
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2017-01-01 08:44 pm

Books of 2016- Round up

Books of 2016

I read 29 books, which is pretty pitiful, in 2016. It was quite a stressy sort of year.

Best book I read for the first time: two boys kissing by David Levithan
The worst book I read was: All Points North by Simon Armitage (sorry, Simon, but it wasn't that it was terrible, just ...hard going)

Films of 2016

I've messed the film list up because I'm sure I've watched more than I've listed.
Best film I watched for the first time: Inside Out
Worst film I watched: Definitely Tank Girl. What the hell was that? (Although, it's probably for the best as I'm sure if I listed Watchmen someone would actually murder me....*ducks*)

I'm was going to do a more detailed list particularly of the books but sadly my skills at multi-tasking are very poor and I am watching the new Sherlock as I write this which is very distracting.
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2016-10-02 08:05 pm

Post-Meltdown Personing

Those who read my tumblr post yesterday will already know some of this but, after a good week of building up to it, I finally achieved Total Meltdown at nearly-midnight on Friday night. This is because:
- I have a lot going on at work including a lot of travel which I am still relatively new to and I'm taking some time to adjust
- I have just started my MA via distance learning which is meant to be part time but feels like a full time workload
- I am tired
- I am out three nights every week until quite late at singing/acting/rehearsally things
- I was away last weekend and, more worryingly, am away this weekend somewhere without internet (which is a big problem for the course)
- Because of the above although I insured my car, I did so at about 10pm one night and promptly failed to tell my previous insurer to cancel and suddenly it was midnight the night before it was due to automatically renew and I had visions of a totally empty bank account because
- I did not have quite as much money as I thought I would have this month for a variety of reasons. It's not like I don't have enough to pay the bills and eat or anything, just...not quite as much as I thought I would have available,although I have had some recently quite sizeable purchases that are one-off things and justified.

BUT I spent THE ENTIRE DAY yesterday and a good part of Friday (which I was off because I had an event on at lunchtime) and a good chunk of today doing uni stuff and I am trying to get as much of the videos and interactive stuff done in advance for this week (not all, sadly, because the lectures for both modules only get uploaded on Tuesday nights which as I'm at Hamlet rehearsals on Wednesdays and Singing Things Tuesdays and Thursdays is not really the best....) and any reading I haven't finished I have loaded onto my laptop so I can take away with me- I'll still need to load the week 3 stuff on for that as well.

So I am trying. And I sorted out the insurance thing. And it's O Kay.

I just might not sleep for two years that's all. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D: D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2016-10-02 08:04 pm

(no subject)

Title: Strays Author: snarklyboojum Fandom: Avengers Ship: Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes Wordcount: 33,555 URL:  Summary: After finding himself alone for the first time in decades, the Winter Soldier l…

Source: Avengers Rec: Strays by snarklyboojum

localfreak: (carryon)
2016-09-16 08:43 pm

Aging disgracefully

So it's my birthday today.

I've been really dreading this one. I can't believe I'm 30. I've been wracked with occasional waves of deep inadequacy for weeks leading up to the day (ohgodiveachievesolittlejesusdiedat33whatthefuckareyoudoingwithlifeyourealsogoingtodiealoneandunsnoggedbyanone)

but actually today's been really nice. I've had so many people sending me cards and well wishes and presents I feel wholly spoiled and absolutely undeserving that so many people would think of me and send me things. (I always find birthdays a bit difficult because of this. Christmas is easier because then everyone gets presents so it doesn't feel quite so overwhelming!) I really am lucky to have such lovely friends and family members. I got a necklace, and a beautiful probably-terrifyingly-expensive pen, Wolverine-awesomethings, oomics and a lot of vouchers and money because I start Uni next week and I am in DESPERATE need of a laptop so the majority of funds will go to that...though maybe a little to spare to finally treat myself to Against Me's Trans Dysphoria Blues album for car journey rocking.

I watched Sherlock Holmes (The RDJ film) this evening. I have avoided it previously as, after seeing the trailer, I concluded I would not like it. I was correct in my original assumption. I actually liked RDJ's performance (sort of) but I would've enjoyed the whole thing better if it had been just an action story with no mention of Holmes, Watson, Adler, Mary, the chequebook, the gambling habit, the injuries to Watson's shoulder and leg...because it all reminded me of something that it was not. A pugilist Holmes? Of course. But Alesteir-Crowley type cults, creepy sex-rituals and ridiculous anachronisms? No. Sorry but No. Sad face all around.

I am wallowing in my new stationary whilst I wait for my new laptop to arrive. So exciting times!
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2016-09-03 05:24 pm

well it's been a while...

Mostly because I still have ongoing computer issues so whilst I can tweet and read emails I am mostly doing so on my phone and can't really cope with doing dreamwidth the same way (bad eyes, bad bad eyes).


Life is ridiculous in a mostly good way at the moment. I am in rehearsal for two shows: one a concert of Les Mis and Miss Saigon songs on FRIDAY to raise money for a very deserving cause and the second is Hamlet in January.

In addition, work is very very busy at the moment because I am doing new things and going to different places and meeting new people and it is good and fun but also makes me very tired as I haven't got into the new routine yet. I am however *touch wood* starting my University distance learning in a few weeks in which I will begin to master the dark arts of being a librarian.

localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2016-06-13 08:52 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

Yesterday a terrible thing happened in America. A mass shooting at an lgbt night club, perpetrated by a man who apparently pledged allegiance to IS prior to the attack.
Apparently some people want to say that because this was an act of terrorism, it was not a hate crime which simply beggar’s believe. This was an act of terrorism. It was an act of hate and an act of prejudice.
My heart is aching for all those involved. For the victims of the attack, for the survivors, for the wounded, for those who escaped. For their friends, their co-workers, their families, their lovers and their children.
For every life that man has taken, so many have been irreparably affected. Children have lost parents, friends have lost friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives, partners and lovers. Parents have lost their children.
I feel too for the shooter’s parents. According to the news so far he was born in new york, to parents who – judging by his age- would have gone to America possibly to escape the war and suffering in their original country. According to the news he had a son- what a burden to bear. What a weight. The shame and sorrow and hurt and anger they must feel.
The people have come together though, as people do in the face of tragedy and horror. Vigils are being held in cities all over the world, even as I write this. People are praying. People want to help. The BBC showed, in the immediate aftermath, the queues of people donating blood. Doing what they could.
We live in an astonishing age for lgbt rights and equality. If you had told me, aged fifteen, that gay marriage would exist, that section 28 would be rescinded- I don’t think I’d have believed it. And that wasn’t that long ago.
There is still prejudice however. Often populations take longer to catch up with the ideals of equality imbued by those with power to change things.
I hurt for those in Orlando, but I hurt too for all of us. Everyone who has seen the light of progress only to be reminded by this senseless, monstrous act, that prejudice does not end. But by strength, by solidarity, by vigils and prayers and marches and standing together we combat the hate. We must not hide. We must not be cowed or frightened because bullies thrive on fear. They thrive on our grief because they do not understand that grief makes people stronger. It makes them fight harder. It makes them love more fiercely and it brings people together. These murders were committed by a stupid hateful man. His actions do not reflect the beliefs of Muslims, or all men, or all New Yorkers. His actions were his and they were fuelled by hatred and idiocy- the idiocy, the ignorance and the gullibility that allows IS and others to brainwash and recruit people to their cause.
We cannot fight that with more hate. We must allow their hate to make us stronger as people. To hold each other close and to stand up to bullies and say that we will not be broken.
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2016-05-25 09:04 pm

AND ON THAT BOMBSHELL: The Internet Explodes

So sometimes Marvel make decisions I don’t like. They have a pretty good track record compared to some other comics about improving equality- we’ve had gay superheroes, female superheroes, superheroes of all colours and creeds for a long time. It was something I liked about them- Northstar and the Legacy Virus addressing the AIDs crisis, Storm kicking ass and leading the X-men at a time when most other comic book females were of the damsel-in-distress variety.

I collected X-Men comics and Wolverine comics sporadically, widely as I could whenever I could afford to get the train to the city and buy them. Eventually I focussed more on the Wolverine stuff, as I found that as I had to buy things often out-of-order the X-Men plots were sometimes too hard to follow, and quite frankly too many characters for me to keep in my head. But there was a lot of good there. There were also some arcs that didn’t float my boat (the Phoenix Saga snoozefest), or damp squibs (that Wolverine one-shot with the stupid dinosaur omelettes, or the entire ‘Angel of Death vs Wolverine thing which was tripe) but I just stuck with it.

In recent years there have been some things in particular I haven’t liked- I hated the fact I found out Wolverine’s name via the X-box game after the first film before Origins even reached me, and I honestly wasn’t delighted about him having big origins reveal- part of what I liked about the character was that he never knew what memories were real and what had been forced upon him.But, meh. I carried on.

Then they did the Old Man Logan series, which I refused to buy because I hate my fictional characters growing old and dying. It is my worst thing ever, but again I just kept my mouth mostly shut and carried on. Other people liked them, after all and I could just pretend they didn’t exist.

I haven’t seen any of the new female-Wolverine. I have mixed feeling about it, not because of her being female but I would have been happier if they had re-released Wolverine’s original story and genderswapped him to her, rather than HAVE HIM RETIRE/BE DEAD.


But to make a character created by Jewish artists, to urge the people to get involved in the war and fight against Hitler a hydra nazi? That’s not just a choice of comic that’s unpleasant that is a whole new level of twattery.

localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2016-05-01 05:23 pm


I have noticed I tend to blog when I'm uncomfortably waiting for things to happen. I have rehearsal tonight for our next show and am worrying about it because, lovely drama group SO MUCH FLAPPING WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO SPEAK THEIR MINDS ON FACEBOOK AND PUT THE FEAR OF GOD INTO EVERYONE ELSE?!?

Mostly it was about how soon the show is, how some parts are unrehearsed (WHOSE FAULT!?!) and people still needing to learn lyrics which I know isn't massively aimed at JUST ME but I always feel like I'm being got at (I DID LEARN THE LYRICS TO THE SONG YOU TOLD ME TO AND THEN YOU CHANGED SONGS TWO WEEKS AGO GAH DIEZ PANICPANICPANIC).

Anyway so it's just about an hour before I have to leave, so I'm making a drink and then trying to occupy myself with reading and/or youtube videos...but that's a bit hard when you are constantly clockwatching.
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2016-04-27 09:28 pm

Comrades Abroad - Fandom: Othello

I wrote a thing. In somewhat shaky iambic pentameter (or..pentameter at least)

Title: Comrades Abroad
Ship: (unrequited) Iago/Othello
Fandom: Shakespeare's Othello

A queer reading of the text 'Othello' can be taken in two ways- firstly, that Othello himself presents very much the type of machoistic man who, at the time of Shakespeare, could potentially be more interested in the company of men. OR, secondly, that Iago's schemes stem from a confused lust and hatred for Othello in equal terms.

This is simply a suggestion based on the latter reading, set as if it were a prequel to the events within the play itself.


*dances off to contemplate a part 2 to try and get people to stop solliloquising and start shagging*
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2016-03-23 09:26 pm

Sweet Sweet Guilt

I'm on leave from work which is mostly lovely at the moment though, as yet, I haven't been able to sleep in much past 6am, as my Auntie I isn't well so I have been going to get Nanny's papers and then basically breaking into their house (with a key) and stealing the dog while they sleep to take him for his morning walk.

As I am usually incredibly inactive this is probably good for me, but my legs are so tired! I had a great couple of days catching up with my friend lycoris (sorry, I never remember the html for making user tags). On Monday we went out to Manchester Museum, which I had never been to before and was very cool. Also because it is run by the Uni, the cafe was totally hipster chic (I swear, Manchester, you are filled with pretty people in skinny jeans and glasses and pretentious but tasty food). I had a sandwich full of goats cheese and tomatoes (NOM) and all the milkshakes were museum puns.

Yesterday we went into town and I took her along the Charity Shop Mile that is the main street in my hometown. It was pretty good although there was this woman in a fedorah who must've also been doing the same thing as us as she just KEPT APPEARING. Which would have been fine except that in the first place we spotted her (Sue Ryder) she stood for ages blocking the bookshelf and must've read at least a chapter of a Peter Cook biography and then, when we crept closer to try and peer at the books, Lyc commented to me about how many copies of Atonement were there and she replied that it was a bad sign and "You know what is the other DVD most donated to charity shops because people can't get rid of it fast enough? Shakespeare in Love!" At which I shuffled uncomfortably as not only do I adore that film, but Joseph Fiennes as Shakespeare was one of my biggest teenage crushes ever. (Seriously, how can she say that film is awful? It has Joseph Fiennes and Geoffrey Rush and Judi Dench in it! Also the other day I finally got round to watching Tank Girl. I know terrible film when I see it.)

I am ridiculously tired today although a lot of this is anxiety because tomorrow is singing, which I always get anxious about (OH GOD PEOPLE) but it is IN A DIFFERENT PLACE than normal because it is Holy Week AND I have to tell them that I'm not going to be at rehearsal the following week because it is my co-worker's last day and she's just been made redundant and I need to go out with her because there's only threee of us on the team and we are friends and I may never see her again. Argh.

Also, it is Holy Week and I am continuing to be a very, very bad Catholic.

OH the guilt the guilt the guilt. I think I have the guilt part down okay at least. I'm just...well it's all not so good at the moment. And you know there are services next Thursday and they're at the same time as 1. Co-worker leaving meal and 2. Singing/Rehearsal and I'm just BRIMMING with anxiousness and guilt to start with.

The thing is with rehearsal is I love them, they're great but as with EVERY OTHER dramatic/artistic group I've been a part of there's a real layer of rubbing in the guilt. I guess it is because everyone wears their heart on their sleeve so much and also that sometimes people have to layer the guilt thick to make sure people turn up because otherwise they feel people don't care.

When in fact it makes me a TOTAL MESS when I have to tell them I'm missing one. Even though they moved to Thursdays and when I started coming I said Thursdays were less good for me, that's why I went on the Tuesdays.


Sorry, I'm so tired I should've stopped writing before then as this post kind of degenerated into a messy stream of conciousnessness about guilt.
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2016-02-27 01:04 pm

Rotten Week: A Summary

It's been a really shitty kind of week this week. That is a poor choice of words right there, sorry. But BASICALLY I've been REALLY ILL all week. It started at about 4AM on Tuesday morning and Mum came down at the same time which led us to believe food poisoning but other people have had a remarkably similar D&V bug lately so the jury is still out. I actually think I have been more ill this time than the time a few years ago when I had the Norovirus.

I'm trying not to overshare, because when I am ill I kind of want to and it is just awkward because I will undoubtedly regret it. So I'm just going to say I HAVE BEEN REALLY ILL and it has been TERRIBLE.

In ADDITION to that, my darling puppy-dog, my little ginger slug, my old tigger, my reading-and-cuddles companion for over twelve years had to go to be put to sleep on Wednesday. It had been a bit...ominous for a while. My Ferny had a cough, which put extra pressure on her dicky heart because there was fluid build up but after the vet upped her last lot of medication she perked up again. But the weather has been getting colder the past few weeks and then on Monday night we were walking and she just stopped. She didn't fall, but she knew she didn't feel safe walking so Auntie I had to carry her home and although she was pottering around again the next day it was really the last sign.

I can't even begin to think how much I am going to miss her yet. She has been as much my dog as my Auntie's really, when you tot up all our time together.

I am currently dealing with this by denial. Because apart from one small breakdown on the evening after it happened, I have been too ill (and because of ill therefore headachey, dehydrated and not eating anything) to actually deal with life properly. So instead I have indulged a newly formed obsession that started a week ago when I read a fanfic Avengers AU in which Steve and Bucky are internet vloggers. And so I looked up some well known vloggers to try and understand this more and got hooked on danisnotonfire and Amazing Phil. So I spend three days watching their danandphilgames TheSims series whilst sipping water and ignoring the real world.
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
2016-02-15 07:18 pm

(no subject)

My new laptop ceased working over the weekend. It wasn't shutting down properly and then stopped booting up properly, which I couldn't fix despite googling solutions on my phone so as it was under warranty I rang up only to find that basically they have no replacements to offer so it has had to go back and get set refund. In fairness to Tesco they didn't quibble about it or anything but to get a new one with spec as good as that bargain is gonna cost far more and in the meantime I'm mostly stuck with the tablet and my mobile with one charging adaptor between the two of them. So whilst it could be far worse, and my fan fiction addiction can be fed I am finding it very difficult to type. And I'm in the middle of an online future learn course...

And also had fabric editing I wanted to do, plus Yanno job specs and moneymaking schemes and bills to pay...


Also typing on here is a slow process. If I try to type faster it looks like this: and I 'll basically spend snob twice so s long typing head of TeEfhcm ducking sufficiency and he fact he is southern in doo slows to keeping up with me
localfreak: (Avada Kedavra!)
2016-02-05 10:32 am


Today I have the day off, because I am taking my cousin out to the theatre tonight as her Christmas present. I booked the day off partially because I had leave to burn and the show is early so I would've had to have a half-day anyway to have time to get home and change.

I am sure I had other plans for today as well though I can't remember what they were. Because I kind of lost my job yesterday.

Well. Kind of. It's really complicated to explain- I don't mean like 'I'm out on my ear 'ole' or anything so dramatic. And really, when you think about it I'm no worse off than if the person whose role I'm seconded into ended up coming back. I'll either go back where I came from- sort of- to a different role- or there's some talk about basically me staying and just losing a pay grade. Unless I just leave. Either way sliding back down the greasy pole I've been unsuccessfully trying to climb for six years.

But at the moment all I can think of is that for a 30 year old virgin I have been shafted quite a lot over the past six years. And being practiced in being fucked over and drowning in humble pie doesn't actually make it any easier to take. But there was already a risk of this- that I would be slinking backwards like a bird with its wings clipped.

So instead I have so far finished the Simon Armitage book I have been battling with (All Points North and read Matt Haig's The Radleys in about two and a half hours flat. And stood in the kitchen taking advantage of being alone in the house for the first time in weeks to have a really good, protracted, howling at the void, crying session.

Which I am now going to recover from with a cup of tea and finding something OTHER than crisps to eat. Or chocolates.