localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
It’s been a pretty hard week for numerous reasons, but mostly focussed around those two joint difficulties: Stress and Worry. I am a worrier. I have always been a worrier. I worry. So when there are things to worry about at home (the house a mess, a to-do-list longer than my arm, haven’t booked a holiday, dog not well, family disputes and spats, worrying about family members who aren’t getting in touch) and things to worry about at work (big projects, much pressure massive deadlines, university term starts soon, to do list longer than my arm, going on leave soon, need to prepare) and in my social life (promised to meet up but can’t commit to a date, on stage in under a week’s time, haven’t got all the flipping props yet) it all kind of buries me under it all and I get headaches, my sinus problems get me down, and I generally end up eating too many biscuits and not getting enough sleep because I am staying up late reading fanfiction on my phone (which also doesn’t help the headaches).

This morning though, I somehow managed the first seven hours sleep I’ve had in a while and when I woke up I started singing Hoobastank’s Crawling in the Dark. I mean, loudly, without thinking about who might be listening. It is a song I head as a teenager (on a Kerrang CD that I still own) and really liked- so much so I did the thing hovering over the pause button to write down the lyrics (ah, those pre-google, pre-broadband days…) and I think how often I forget what a rush you can get from singing, the way just opening your lungs and going for it helps levels out any moods. It is a terrific, wonderful stress relief but one which often deserts my brain when I most need it- in a way that readingfanfictionallthroughthenightohgod never does (also books but books have an ending wheras there is always more fic to be had- even if it isn’t very good!)

So I sang Crawling in the Dark and then Jack off Jill’s Vivica and felt much better. I also realised that I come across new songs and learn songs just for fun much more rarely than I used to- most songs I learn now tend to be ones for shows that I’ve been told to learn- and because of the type of music my group normally does they’ll never ask me to learn something I enjoy like Green Day, JoJ, The Regrettes and so on. The exception for me lately has really only been Against Me! ‘s True Trans Soul Rebel and Trans Dysphoria Blues.

I haven’t been writing for fun or for anything but for work in ages, apart from the odd letter. I haven’t been drawing for fun (I am a terrible artist but once upon a time I didn’t let that stop me in private). I haven’t often listened to music I like just for the pleasure of it or sang to an invisible audience safe in the knowledge that no one is watching or cares if I forget a word or my voice cracks.

I need to find ways to allow myself to enjoy these things again, and thus cope with all the stress and worry.

The only problem? There already doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day as it is.
localfreak: (carryon)
So it's my birthday today.

I've been really dreading this one. I can't believe I'm 30. I've been wracked with occasional waves of deep inadequacy for weeks leading up to the day (ohgodiveachievesolittlejesusdiedat33whatthefuckareyoudoingwithlifeyourealsogoingtodiealoneandunsnoggedbyanone)

but actually today's been really nice. I've had so many people sending me cards and well wishes and presents I feel wholly spoiled and absolutely undeserving that so many people would think of me and send me things. (I always find birthdays a bit difficult because of this. Christmas is easier because then everyone gets presents so it doesn't feel quite so overwhelming!) I really am lucky to have such lovely friends and family members. I got a necklace, and a beautiful probably-terrifyingly-expensive pen, Wolverine-awesomethings, oomics and a lot of vouchers and money because I start Uni next week and I am in DESPERATE need of a laptop so the majority of funds will go to that...though maybe a little to spare to finally treat myself to Against Me's Trans Dysphoria Blues album for car journey rocking.

I watched Sherlock Holmes (The RDJ film) this evening. I have avoided it previously as, after seeing the trailer, I concluded I would not like it. I was correct in my original assumption. I actually liked RDJ's performance (sort of) but I would've enjoyed the whole thing better if it had been just an action story with no mention of Holmes, Watson, Adler, Mary, the chequebook, the gambling habit, the injuries to Watson's shoulder and leg...because it all reminded me of something that it was not. A pugilist Holmes? Of course. But Alesteir-Crowley type cults, creepy sex-rituals and ridiculous anachronisms? No. Sorry but No. Sad face all around.

I am wallowing in my new stationary whilst I wait for my new laptop to arrive. So exciting times!
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
I'm on leave from work which is mostly lovely at the moment though, as yet, I haven't been able to sleep in much past 6am, as my Auntie I isn't well so I have been going to get Nanny's papers and then basically breaking into their house (with a key) and stealing the dog while they sleep to take him for his morning walk.

As I am usually incredibly inactive this is probably good for me, but my legs are so tired! I had a great couple of days catching up with my friend lycoris (sorry, I never remember the html for making user tags). On Monday we went out to Manchester Museum, which I had never been to before and was very cool. Also because it is run by the Uni, the cafe was totally hipster chic (I swear, Manchester, you are filled with pretty people in skinny jeans and glasses and pretentious but tasty food). I had a sandwich full of goats cheese and tomatoes (NOM) and all the milkshakes were museum puns.

Yesterday we went into town and I took her along the Charity Shop Mile that is the main street in my hometown. It was pretty good although there was this woman in a fedorah who must've also been doing the same thing as us as she just KEPT APPEARING. Which would have been fine except that in the first place we spotted her (Sue Ryder) she stood for ages blocking the bookshelf and must've read at least a chapter of a Peter Cook biography and then, when we crept closer to try and peer at the books, Lyc commented to me about how many copies of Atonement were there and she replied that it was a bad sign and "You know what is the other DVD most donated to charity shops because people can't get rid of it fast enough? Shakespeare in Love!" At which I shuffled uncomfortably as not only do I adore that film, but Joseph Fiennes as Shakespeare was one of my biggest teenage crushes ever. (Seriously, how can she say that film is awful? It has Joseph Fiennes and Geoffrey Rush and Judi Dench in it! Also the other day I finally got round to watching Tank Girl. I know terrible film when I see it.)

I am ridiculously tired today although a lot of this is anxiety because tomorrow is singing, which I always get anxious about (OH GOD PEOPLE) but it is IN A DIFFERENT PLACE than normal because it is Holy Week AND I have to tell them that I'm not going to be at rehearsal the following week because it is my co-worker's last day and she's just been made redundant and I need to go out with her because there's only threee of us on the team and we are friends and I may never see her again. Argh.

Also, it is Holy Week and I am continuing to be a very, very bad Catholic.

OH the guilt the guilt the guilt. I think I have the guilt part down okay at least. I'm just...well it's all not so good at the moment. And you know there are services next Thursday and they're at the same time as 1. Co-worker leaving meal and 2. Singing/Rehearsal and I'm just BRIMMING with anxiousness and guilt to start with.

The thing is with rehearsal is I love them, they're great but as with EVERY OTHER dramatic/artistic group I've been a part of there's a real layer of rubbing in the guilt. I guess it is because everyone wears their heart on their sleeve so much and also that sometimes people have to layer the guilt thick to make sure people turn up because otherwise they feel people don't care.

When in fact it makes me a TOTAL MESS when I have to tell them I'm missing one. Even though they moved to Thursdays and when I started coming I said Thursdays were less good for me, that's why I went on the Tuesdays.


Sorry, I'm so tired I should've stopped writing before then as this post kind of degenerated into a messy stream of conciousnessness about guilt.


Feb. 5th, 2016 10:32 am
localfreak: (Avada Kedavra!)
Today I have the day off, because I am taking my cousin out to the theatre tonight as her Christmas present. I booked the day off partially because I had leave to burn and the show is early so I would've had to have a half-day anyway to have time to get home and change.

I am sure I had other plans for today as well though I can't remember what they were. Because I kind of lost my job yesterday.

Well. Kind of. It's really complicated to explain- I don't mean like 'I'm out on my ear 'ole' or anything so dramatic. And really, when you think about it I'm no worse off than if the person whose role I'm seconded into ended up coming back. I'll either go back where I came from- sort of- to a different role- or there's some talk about basically me staying and just losing a pay grade. Unless I just leave. Either way sliding back down the greasy pole I've been unsuccessfully trying to climb for six years.

But at the moment all I can think of is that for a 30 year old virgin I have been shafted quite a lot over the past six years. And being practiced in being fucked over and drowning in humble pie doesn't actually make it any easier to take. But there was already a risk of this- that I would be slinking backwards like a bird with its wings clipped.

So instead I have so far finished the Simon Armitage book I have been battling with (All Points North and read Matt Haig's The Radleys in about two and a half hours flat. And stood in the kitchen taking advantage of being alone in the house for the first time in weeks to have a really good, protracted, howling at the void, crying session.

Which I am now going to recover from with a cup of tea and finding something OTHER than crisps to eat. Or chocolates.
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
Was at a party last night- my old boss' 50th. It was suprisingly tame from what we were expecting but okay.

I'm having a bit of a problem with my local council at the moment. A while ago I had a whole kerfuffle over the council tax because for some reason they had decided that a. I had not moved in to the new house and b. therefore should pay an additional levy on my council tax, increasing my tax by 50% - which is aparrently all above board and legal despite having NO LOGIC WHATSOEVER (after all, if there is no one living in a house, they aren't therefore using a good chunk of the services one's council tax pays for like bin collections). So, whatever, I got in touch and after a good week of sending an epic amount of documents and chasing them up back-and-forth finally I got an email and letter from a guy there who basically said they would put the additional charge 'on hold' until an inspector would turn up at random at my new home to prove that I am living there. Which, you know, not GREAT but okay, fine, if he sees me underwear on the floor then that's really just more proof that I am not lying so...whatever.

Then yesterday a letter arrived AT OUR OLD ADDRESS which was passed on to me after church today saying that I am 'in arrears' to the tune of the additional money that was supposedly 'on hold' and that if I do not pay up, they will take legal action against me. It is obviously a mistake. It has gone to the old address- I THOUGHT WE'D FINALLY SORTED THIS THAT I DO NOT LIVE THERE- and I've had nothing further about an inspection- if someone has come it'd been when no one has been in, but even if someone just watched the house from the outside they could see we were living there- our cars stay there each night and mine goes out at the same time every morning.

So, yeah. Fuck. So I've emailed the guy just saying 'I've received this I am going to ring in the morning'- as of course no one works on weekends there. Mum hasn't slept for worrying about it but I'm trying to be rational. I am not lying, I have done everything they have asked, it will just be a stupid mistake and hopefully when I ring them tomorrow they can just fix it all up. If not, my union provides access to legal advice so I can go to them, and think there'd definitely be grounds for a complaint to the ombudsman. So I just need to deal with it- what's the worst they can do? If it did go to court, I have every email stream of correspondance showing the whole story.

I just really don't need the stress of this, particularly in August when it has just been the anniversary of Bean's death.

As bad things come in threes today I have spent half the day feeling like a barber surgeon as Snoopy has cut his pad and I had to bathe it and clean the grit and muck out of it before I could bandage it (with Mum and Nan holding him still) blood pouring everywhere my poor dopey little baby! He has of course been thoroughly spoilt and once we managed to get a bandage to STAY ON his foot he was putting weight on it and wasn't too bad at all, but oh I did feel a monster to have to clean it all out like that. Eeee.

And then we took a box of stuff to the charity shop and, as we crossed the car park, the box broke and all the plates and glasses to be donated smashed merrily all over the place. :/

I'm so stressed about the council thing now. I hate having to wait till tomorrow to ring, it's just awful. I hate the way their letters are all 'get in touch immediately or else' when THEY NEVER ARRIVE on a day when it is possible to get in touch because no one works weekends. Arrg.


localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)

September 2017

34567 89


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Oct. 18th, 2017 06:10 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios