Ahh

Nov. 6th, 2015 09:02 pm
localfreak: (carryon)
It's been a funny old day. And yes, here I am, it's Friday Night, typing away at Task B of my course work.

Oh, hang on actually, I better save the buggering thing. Haha. Wordcount 800-1000 and I have written... 1,880. And still feel like its not enough for me to pass. It is ridiculously unrealistic.

We still have next to no lights upstairs in the house. Mum did have a brief look in the loft when it was daylight, but realistically I think it needs an electrician.

Also realistically, we've needed an electrition for two other jobs for over twelve months so it's going to be hard work pushing the mother to accept this and I may be dressing in the dark for the forseeable future.

It's been a funny old day today. Lots of good things but also quite a lot of worries for the future...and money...and things like that. But I am going to do my best to ignore them because I can't do anything about them and, also, I need to get on as I am off to Sheffield tomorrow to visit a friend of mine who has just become engaged and it will be LOVELY. I'm getting the ten past nine train, so everyone pray for an early sunrise, as I will have to pack my overnight bag in the morning when I can see my bedroom further than the lamp by my bedside will reach :-/.
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
Life is very troublesome at the moment. Soon I will probably explain why but at the moment I can't really, although those of you who do view my blog via Deadjournal rather than Dreamwidth may notice that I have temporarily let my paid account die. I will probably ressurect it in the next few days but my head's been up my arse (not helped by the fact the new outlook seems determined to put all notifications in the junk EVEN WHEN I TELL IT NOT TO).

Today I have worked on Essay 2 and completed Draft 1, then gone through it with the red pen of doom. It is not going to be my best work but I simply can't help that, I haven't the time to go as deeply as I would like to, but at the moment I think it's looking pretty okay. Now if I can get it sorted in the next day or so then I can go and see Iron Man 3! (That's a strong motivator, although occasionally I am gripped by a fear I am making it into too strong of a motivator, as I'm a teensy bit scared that I might not like Iron Man 3...I REALLY LIKED 1 & 2 but this will hopefully be the first Iron man I see actually at the pictures so there's some pressure there).

I have also been reading some Harry Potter fics for a change, mostly ones that are long serials that I had read but of course have since been updated. I'm randomly in a real mood for long plotty Harry-centric gen, either Master of Death stuff, which I love anyway, but also Sevitus/Snape-Adopts-Harry fic. Sadly I'm finding filtering for this on Ao3 is really bloody difficult, but for some reason my browser hates potions and snitches. In that it shows me three chapters in a readable font and then randomly one in a tiny tiny font which the text enlargement ceases to work on so I have to manually zoom into my screen to read. Which sucks quite a bit. Luckily the two I have been (re)reading were also posted on Ao3 so I've found them on P&S then opened Ao3 and found them on there, as I can actually read it without killing my already somewhat troublesome eyes (I need an appointment. It is in my future. Probably next month).
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
I am trying to be positive with myself about the amount of research I have done today. I have finished the 'gather' from the main source onto paper, I have done four or so pages from other collections, and I've bought a magazine which I can then use to steal the ads in it and create specific print examples to flesh out my work. It's not nothing, even though, worrying as much as I currently am about the deadlines, it really feels so very minute. Also in between all this I did manage to visit Our Zog, whose birthday is today and make a CD for a lady at church full of songs for St George's Day from what I had on my computer.

playlist under the cut )

I have also found out that I am to give a presentation to the group of doc's I temporarily 'looked-after' when C left. I am quite happy to do this, even though they have a bit of a grouchy reputation, because I am relatively okay with presentations, and it is about a study that I basically did all the legwork about. On the other hand, it is in less than three weeks, which is not really a lot of time to prepare, particularly as I did said legwork up until January, and the majority of it in Autumn/Winter 2012 so will need to seriously jog my dreadful memory about the whats, whys and wherefores.
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
Absolutely barking dreams of late as I continue obsessing over Uni essays. I am up to Draft 2 of Essay 1,but still have a whole other essay (including research) to do! *sob* as well as finishing up E1.

Real life has a lot in it at the moment too which doesn't help, although after two days of being unable to eat solid food because of a bruised mouth I managed to eat a plate of salad and a cheese bake today! Hooray! It's funny, isn't it, that even when you have 'proper' food just mashed up it still doesn't seem as filling somehow when you can't chew?
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
I am being increasinlgy anti-social at the moment. This is because I am stressing about essays. When I'm not working on them I worry all the time feeling I should be working on them and when I'm working on one I'm panicking because of the other one. I really wish Uni had given me two separate deadlines. The same deadline for two essays is just utterly cruel.
localfreak: (carryon)
Today has been manically stressful! We had our big assessment at work today so half-past seven this morning saw me dashing into the centre to frantically move things that might look untidy (space flip chart paper, extention cables, a chair which some porcine individual has broken the lap-tray off) to somewhere were they wouuld not be Seen by Guests. Or anyone, indeed.

But now! now! now! I am on annual leave for Three Whole Days. Huzzah! Sadly I do not intend to follow what my instinct is screaming at me to do and sleep the days away: I booked them to work on my essays. To be honest I really should do some more research this evening but I'm just so so tired I honestly can't keep my eyes on the screen (thankfully, I can touch type, although hopefully the fact that mostly I am typing this with my eyes closed will excuse any embarrasing spelling errors!)




In non-academic news I have also guiltily started reading Oscar Wilde and the Vatican Murders by Gyles Brandreth.
localfreak: (carryon)
Readings for this week: Adorno, Gramsci, Marx and...someone whose name has just fallen out of my head. I'll be thoroughly shamed when I remember him. Yes.

The difficulty is, I've read all of these guys before but I just don't remember enough. Think I'm going to have to look into ways to improve my memory of these things. If they all wrote in rhyme it'd probably make life so much easier. (Except of course the rhymes wouldn't all be in English anyway so the translations wouldn't necessarily rhyme. Hmm. Flaw in this plan, Michael).

My copy of Dyer's White came today! Yay! I ordered it on abebooks months ago but it was being shipped from New York so took a while to get here. It was posted from Broadway! How cool is that! So the previous owner (who underlined in blue biro and left a very mucky thumbprint on page 20 ) possibly lived around one of the most famous places in America. Weird, eh?

I'm going to London this weekend, so I'm hoping to get most of my classwork done by Friday. Not sure how sucessful this will be, the office is absolutely mental at the moment. I wasn't there yesterday and I got back in to enough emails to cause a breakdown. Millions of stupid things going wrong and people had sent a million messages despite my having put an out of office notification on so they knew there would be no chance of my replying to them! And then on top of that an email that basically said "As SpikyTech is SO BUSY you go first and arrange this meeting and training session and SpikyTech can do it later".

Which is all well and good, yes, SpikyTech has been extremely busy of late but SO AM I I am no less manic, my in-tray no less overflowing than his just because his job means he has to move around the place and isn't just in the office most of the time and I'm sitting at the desk all day. I have PILES of stuff building up that needs getting to grips with. Gah.

One of the students made a Christmas cake for C though and we all got some! It was lovely! :) Everyone in the office said it was quite boozy but I honestly thought it was non alcoholic. You couldn't tell. Or, I couldn't tell anyway. Evidently they've never had one of my Nan's Brewery Delights (ohhh the fumes in the car on Christmas day driving home with one of those beauties).

Anyway, enought procrastination. I'd better get to work.
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
1st draft is (at last) complete. I have emailed it to myself for print off on monday in BIG writing, mostly so that I resist from picking at it until I have some distance. I don't think it's perfect by any means, the introduction needs work and I got myself lost (again) in the middle when I tried to combine ideas together to make a more flowing narrative. But at least I have something to show for the past few days.

I rewarded myself by watching the first episode of the new series of Mongrels I can't believe I didn't see a SINGLE ADVERTISEMENT and we're already up to episode three before I found out it was back. I LOVE that programme. So yes. There is still another episode on iplayer taunting me but I can't deal with that until I...hmm...sigh...

answer twenty questions on Foucault. SOB SOB SOB. I'm more irked that no one from my seminar group has posted anything yet. It's like they all WAIT FOR ME before posting which I don't mind except I bloody hate Foucault and a lot of them understand things much more clearly than me. I'd love to read someone else's thoughts first so I have time to refine and straighten things out in my head.

But me & deadlines mean I can't do that. So I must hide away my pride and face the inevitable looking stupid. Grr. Sigh. Back to work.
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
This essay is killing me quite a bit. I did my first draft today and managed to confuse myself half way in. I think I've sorted myself out mostly though. A few more reference dives before the next attempt. My problem is that sometimes I read something in passing ages ago and obviously I've no reason to note it down at the time but then suddenly mid-way through an essay or project it suddenly becomes DEEPLY VITAL and I can't remember who said it or where it came from or in what book etc. And this leads to a lot of hunting. Thank God for Google. It doesn't solve everything (TV and Radio interviews are my bane in this kind of hunt) but it helps.

Trying to write this essay is a little like trying to explain a series of Venn-diagram spheres that, instead of crossing over smoothly, bump into each other like dodgem cars. So you've got Hegenomic Identity: White Male Hetero Middle Class and then you've got things like Black Macho Masculinity (as per Black Panther Movement etc) which is Black Male Heterosexual Working Class, and then you have to deal with where these are in relation to Black Heterosexual Women, and White Heterosexual Women, and Black Homosexuals, and White Homosexuals and then you think you've managed that and suddenly go Oh Shit! Class! and then have to ferret out all the work on the invisibility or lack of agency of Black Heterosexual Middle Classes and it all just becomes one great bowl of cheerios that I appear to be drowning in.

Or that's how it is in my head at the moment anyway. I am evidently in training for my Crazy Eccentric Badge.

Wibble.
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
Had a very nice time in Lady Heyes today with [personal profile] still_lycoris I didn't actually buy and Christmas presents, as was the original intent but I still had a lot of funa and got some shiny things. I am getting to that particular age of bachelorhood where Christmas presents tend to be A Large Box That Gets Delivered most of the time. Some may call it laziness. I wouldn't disagree. Mostly it's that a large family is exceptionally hard to buy for in the first place, and when one has such limited amounts of free time (and when that free time occurs, the shops aren't open and it's dark) a large box on the doorstep is much more reliable.

I'm procrastinating now because my next order of the day is to go and do my readings for this week and they are even more Foucault *sob*, although the tutor replied to my last howl for help in a very lovely manner and said I actually understood more than I thought I did. So that's not so bad. But still. Grah!

Tomorrow I'm going to try my first draft of this essay. I'm actually quite nervous for no good reason except that it has been a very long time since I had to write one that would be marked. I wasn't going to go to Mass so I could work straight through but it is in fact a suprise intention for a dear friend of the family who is celebrating her eightieth birthday so as it turns out I shall be offering my services so will either serve or read as required.
localfreak: avatar which I have used as mine since scarboard days 10 years ago (Default)
Went on Fandom Wiki for Savage Garden today. In some ways it was always going to bring back the most melancholy of memories. So many friends gone, so many fics and people disappeared into ether (Cally, if you are reading this I would still love just a tiny note telling me you are alright...). I am also vaguely amused to find that, despite it being my most active fandom ever, and so many of the fan-names being ones who I knew, and knew me, I have no mention in the annals of history. I didn't expect to, but when I saw the list with some of my old friends email penpals and the like it was strange to find I remained a ghost.

Perhaps some people are just born to be lurkers.

My copy of Secret Codes and Battle Ships arrived yesterday. So very beautiful!! <3

In other news I went arse-over-tete today down a ramp. Yowch! This merited my first trip over the road to A&E as, although I wasn't actually seriously hurt, with it being on work premises it needed to be noted. Bit bruised and achy but I'm otherwise okay.

Then of course I had to write my own Incident Report for the system. Which was something I could have done without.

Now I'm trying to motivate myself to do some studying. I actually enjoy most of it once I get into it (or will after Garfinkel Week is over.) It's just trying to motivate myself to keep going and not get distracted by, for example, shiny sherlockholmesfanfiction. Which I totally didn't spend yesterday night reading when I should have been working. Honest.
localfreak: (Kutner's Blog)
I have bought myself a kindle! It is sweet and adorable and I know it makes me an absolute hypocrite but you can do all sorts of useful things on it for textbooks (like HIGHLIGHTING QUOTES without PERMENANT EFFECTS) and also it was an issue of cost effectiveness. In the past few weeks alone I have requested two more books from the library and ordered three 'old favourites' from amazon, abebooks and ebay- for some the kindle price beat any other hand down and so I first got the app for the computer and then went a bit mad about CARRYING IT ROUND WITH ME NOW PLEASE.

So yes. I have one. It is very cute. I have no idea what I'm doing but I expect I'll get the hang of it.

Struggling through my next lot of readings has recently had me feeling exceptionally dunce-like. I just don't understand the prose style and what they want me to do and how it relates to anything ever. So it was quite lovely to see that on my discussion piece about the last lot of readings (which I acutally enjoyed doing, and have now picked as my essay question) someone had finally replied. Only to find out it wasn't a student but a lovely helpful senior lecturer who has given me hints of other articles (including some of his own) to read. *squee*. There are not enough hours in the day at present for the sheer amount of stuff I'm reading. It may actually be improving my linguistic abilities (or at least reminding me to utilise them) which is also a plus!

In Other news:

I've been having a sore foot for a while and a friendly phsyio has now had a look (much to my prudish embarrasment) and it turns out the....tendonny bit over the bridge of my toes has collapsed making part of my foot flat. Hence the uneven gait and pains when walking. Yowch. So she is going to give me some excercises to do and in the meantime I am to walk barefoot when possible. This would be far easier if it wasn't Absolutely Perishing Cold. But there we go. Yay. I'm actually happy just because I now have a reason why. The big reason I didn't get on with my GP last time I plucked up all my courage and went is because he didn't seem that arsed about finding out why things hurt/were funny. It was all 'take painkillers if it hurts' which, yes, true, that will temporarily solve the issue but I could have fathomed that bit out myself. I always want to know WHY and HOW and it's frustrating when other people don't seem to give a shit about stuff like that.
localfreak: (Kutner's Blog)
I have purchased many books this week for my studies. Some old favourites and some new things. My copy of You Tarzan: Masculinity Movies and Men has arrived today from abebooks so I can once again re-read those lines that embedded themselves on my brain about Burt Lancaster's arms and Albert Finney's beefy neck. I have also downloaded the amazon e-reader for PC so that I could acquire a copy of Black Queer Studies: A Critical Anthology sooner. I'm quite liking its navigational tics so far and have sent a message to my Auntie Nik asking for immediate advice as to which kindle I should buy (she gave me advice and then the next day amazon released their new one so I just want to check if the stance remains the same).

All this is at least helping me to tamp down on my anxiety as the university website appears to be down today, so I cannot post my intial discussion thoughts, nor download the next lot of readings. *whimper* (and I have checked on down for everyone or just me about a million times to verify that yes, it is still down.)

I'm finding it rather fascinating at the moment to walk into what I felt was territory I was at least familiar with to find it made unfamiliar by the concept of race- and "black" in particular (most readings are generally being a bit vague on what they count as 'black' but general afro/caribbean heritage seems to be the overall assumption. I just...never thought of the experiences of masculinity differing by race. Location? Yes. Sexuality? Yes. Wealth? Yes. But it just, stupidly perhaps, never occured to me that colour- even in the same locations- made a particularly noticable difference.

Of course the article I read this evening was even stranger to me because it spoke of a world of Queers and Queer Politics that I barely recognise anything at all of- with a North American origin it speaks of social structures that differ greatly from anything I've ever known, refers to people I have never heard of (a bloke called Newt? Seriously? Newt??) and its general atmosphere too holds something that is deeply, deeply strange to anything I would recognise society-wise. It's all quite fascinating, even if it does make the reading substantially harder as in order to make sense of it I must continually reframe it upon my terms and my understandings- my frames of reference.

It does rather shake my confidence a little at my abilities in my chosen essay (the title of which I can't download because the site is down *argh*). Am I just too white to understand? Does my background- even as it is intriniscally Queered away from the hegemonic heteronomative white middle class (being, of course, genderqueer gay and working class)- exclude me from understanding? I begin to doubt my abilities to comprehend, in a matter of weeks something which, the readings suggest, I should surely have considered a Difference before now.

J's birthday party has been cancelled- which oddly makes the second birthday party happening this winter to have been called off. Am planning tentatively to spend the days I booked on the Christmas shopping for the Hoardes of Family. They best not expect too much of me this year- if I keep buying all these coursebooks and then have my course fees still to come they may have to be resigned to home made cakes and possibly the odd poem or photoshopped image.

Right, back to the grindstone- I should be able to get at least a litte more reading done before my brain fails me utterly and I haul my way to bed to dream of queer and language and dissecting all the little parts of words.

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